“I was always concerned after Caleb died. I was always worried that somebody would get hurt again because of me. That’s one of the reasons why I was so against having you onboard, Holly. I was worried that you getting involved would cause me to hurt you. The Doctor was too trusting of me. He really shouldn’t have trusted me. I was too unstable and Caleb died because of me. I was terrified it would happen again.
At the time my screwed up head just though that Caleb was a daft kid - A daft brother who wasn’t clever enough to focus on the dangers around him – mainly myself. And the new psychic abilities didn’t help. You’ve got to remember that I was a Human girl suddenly becoming a Gallifreyan. I had all these new feelings and thoughts. It completely and utterly screwed with my mind. I’m not excusing my actions though. I killed him and I knew what I was doing.
It was tough to start with but I think we all realized that things were becoming a little bit better. A little strained, maybe, but it felt like we were starting to gel. We were a strange, dysfunctional family.
I remember the turning point though; the point everything seemed to revert back again. I had tried so, so hard to help myself to heal, but just when everyone started to become a bit more comfortable I screwed up again.
We were visiting the Ruins of the Night Fortress on Capa-Sol. I was just sat on a rock watching Caleb and the Doctor prance about discussing how beautiful the two purple moons looked and how the stars were reflecting back in the black water. Something in my head just seemed to fall away. It was like I couldn’t accept who I was. I was never going to be like those two. I was never going to get excited about flickering lights and stupid moons.
So I just got up and walked back to the TARDIS. I walked and walked for hours until I found the escape pods. I just jumped onboard one and let it take me wherever it wanted to. I was in a complete brain fug. I found myself in a backwater café on Earth in the 1970’s. I was starving and scoffed down two full English breakfasts. I still can’t quite remember how I got there. But it was like nothing else mattered to me - just the breakfast in front of me. In fact when the Doctor and Caleb finally found me I was feeling quite happy.
They took me back to the TARDIS but as soon as I got there I felt conflicted again. I felt angry that I was trapped in that bloody box again with two people who wanted me to be something I wasn’t.
I feel ashamed, but I flipped out. Somehow I found myself with a knife that I’d – and please don’t freak out, Dangerfield – I’d pocketed from the café. A big steak knife. I just slashed him across his arm. There was blood everywhere. He looked so frightened, Holly.
I’m sorry.
The Doctor patched him up and I spent the rest of the night in my room crying into my pillow. I don’t know how long I was there, but you know what? Still the Doctor didn’t give up on me. No matter what I did he still stood by me. And I think something changed for Caleb as well. I think he accepted it wasn’t going to be how he wanted it to be and that’s when he started to accept me.
But that’s when I hurt him. That’s when I…well, that’s when I killed him.
He was writing in his diary one evening. We’d just had a picnic in this lovely little meadow. It was probably the last time I felt content before it happened. Certainly the last time before I met you, Dangerfield.
Something just snapped in me. I sat on his bed and was talking to him about West Pilton and Earth. He got up and brought out this old fashioned camera. He said he wanted a picture with his sister. He said he was so happy to have found me and he wanted to get to know the real me. Whilst he was looking in his drawer for the camera I glanced down at his diary. I only saw a few sentences, but it was enough to set me off. It was like throwing a match into a gas-filled room. It was just a few words – just one sentence – but it ignited the fury in me again.
You know what the sad part is, Dangerfield? I can’t even remember what it was. Something he had written about being frustrated with me. Something he’d written before we’d reached this kind of peace, but I saw nothing but red clouds in my vision.
He stuck his head up from the drawer and took a quick snap of me. The flash nearly blinded me and when I opened my eyes he was stood there smiling. Grinning like a stupid little kid.
I don’t think he knew what had hit him. I threw myself at him. I went for his throat and clamped my hands tightly around his neck. I remember him crying out in shock and fear. I pushed him to the floor and sat on his chest throwing my fists down at his stupid, scared face. He tried to push me off him and I fell back. A load of objects fell off this daft display he’d put up – collections from him and the Doctors travels. I grabbed the first object I could – some ornate, jeweled dagger from the Middle East.
It was almost like time had frozen as I brought the dagger up and then thrust it down towards his chest. He looked surprised. He didn’t look like he was in any pain – just confused and surprised. When I saw the bloods begin to soak his white shirt it was like I had snapped back to my senses.
I threw myself off him and just walked away.
The Doctor had heard the commotion and ran in. I saw him drop to his knees and try his best to save Caleb, but there was nothing he could do. I sat in the console room for a long, long time just staring at the time rotor, trying to work out exactly what I’d done.
Eventually the Doctor walked out with Caleb in his arms. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t shout or look angry. He punched in a few coordinates and took us back to the meadow we’d had the picnic in. He glanced at me once and then went outside. He was gone for a long time. When he returned he just crouched in front of me. He said one simple sentence to me - a sentence that I will never forget. He said:
“This is not who you are.”
Somehow I didn’t believe it, but I was amazed at the strength of the man. I had just killed his nephew, yet he wasn’t going to punish me. He wasn’t mad at me. He wanted to help me.
We didn’t talk. I don’t know how long it was before we spoke to each other again. Maybe days. I’m not sure, but he took me to that water planet I told you about – Pelios. It was when we were there that we finally spoke again. And despite everything he never treated me any differently. He never really spoke of Caleb again and slowly I felt calmer. I never got over it though. I never will do.
I still see Caleb’s face when I close my eyes. I still think I’m a killer. No, I know I’m a killer. And that is why, Holly, you are so unbelievable to me. How can you feel the way you do after everything I’ve done?”
“Because,” said Holly, her hands around Lilly’s, “I see a strong-minded woman in there. You’re broken. Or at least you were. You’ve shown remorse. You know what you did was wrong. If you hadn’t changed then that would be different. But think of all the good you’ve done.”
A tear fell from Lilly’s eye.
Holly wiped it away with her finger. “These tears are real, Lilly. You miss your brother. You wish you could do anything to go back and change it. That’s not the thoughts of a killer. You’ve done wrong and you know that. A killer – a real murderer – doesn’t regret. There is good inside you. There is light.”
Lilly smiled sadly and closed her eyes as more tears fell. “I don’t deserve you, Dangerfield.”
“Tough bananas, Galloway,” said Holly. “You’re stuck with me.”
Lilly opened her eyes and looked into Holly’s. “I love you, Holly.”
“I love you too, Lilly,” she replied. And the two of them embraced tightly, and in that moment the both of them knew that nothing would pull them apart again. Not time. Not space. Not even death.
To be continued...
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